10 Movie Remakes We Never Asked For

There’s evidently an old saying in Hollywood: if it ain’t broke, break it.

Piggybacking on someone else’s success by milking an old idea for a quick buck — and dragging that once-great idea through the muck in the process — is a Tinseltown tradition as deep-rooted as rhinoplasty.

With some notable exceptions (The Coens’ 2010 True Grit, 1978′s Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Cronenberg’s take on The Fly, to name a few), remakes are usually derivative at best, unwatchably redundant at worst.

Here are some entirely unnecessary rehashes that got green-lighted because there is no all-loving God to prevent evil from happening in the world.

10. Karate Kid

Why the 1984 original was awesome: Mr. Miyagi’s “wax on, wax off” mantra inspired countless children to polish their parents’ cars; middle-aged drunken men everywhere still attempt to unleash the crane kick with hilarious results; the film introduced the world to Joe Esposito’s inspirational cheese-pop anthem“You’re The Best“; the finale proved violence solves everything in the end.

Why the 2010 remake sucked: It’s not about karate, for starters (the martial art in question is kung fu); Will Smith’s son Jaden proves the showbiz gene skipped a generation; some heavy-handed production guidance from the state-run China Film Group lends the whole enterprise an air of propaganda.

9. Total Recall

Why the 1990 original was awesome: Sharon Stone kicks Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ass; Arnie’s eyes nearly kablooie out of their sockets as he hollers his trademark roar; Martian hooker has three boobs.

Why the 2012 remake sucked: no former Austrian bodybuilder with bulging eyes and zingers like “Considah it a divorrrce”; although the triple-breasted hooker makes a cameo, her elapsed time onscreen works out to roughly one second per breast. Plus she’s a little too attractive, which makes us feel icky.

8. Straw Dogs

Why the 2011 remake sucked: the simmering suspense has been mostly replaced with gory violence, which itself would be fine if there weren’t already a bazillion movies that pull off gory violence with much greater aplomb; 40 years ago, a cinematic contemplation of the violent urges that lurk within the human psyche was innovative movie fodder, but nowadays Grand Theft Auto is the perfect mirror into our sadistic souls.Why the 1971 original was awesome: a taut, brooding pyschodrama starring a feisty Dustin Hoffman long before he became Gaylord Focker’s dad; the film’s title is never explained, which adds to its coolness (it comes from a Chinese proverb by Lao Tzu, if you must know).

7. The Longest Yard

Why the 1974 original was awesome: Burt Reynolds, sans moustache.

Why the 2005 remake sucked: Adam Sandler, sans talent.

6. The Omen

Why the 2006 version sucked: this scene-for-scene remake copied everything about the original except its watchability; the demon-child looks more like Love Me Do-era Paul McCartney.Why the 1976 original was awesome: the little kid who is the physical embodiment of Satan looks a lot like AC/DC guitarist Angus Young; if that’s not enough, the movie is also effing scary.

5. Arthur

Why the 1981 original was awesome: it wasn’t, really, but it was a hell of a lot better than the remake. 

Why the 2011 remake sucked: Russell Brand drains all the foppish charm out of the titular drunken playboy, stumbling from one pratfall to the next; even Dame Helen Mirren can’t lend any class to this IQ-reducer.

4. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

Why the 2003 remake sucked: it lacks all the grit, washed-out colors and low-budget wonkiness that gave the original the off-putting feel of a snuff film; this rehash was even less relevant to the franchise than 1994′sThe Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which is only noteworthy because of its then-unknown stars Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger.Why the 1974 original was awesome: it was a genre-defining masterpiece in splatter cinema; it was actually a “black comedy” if you ask director Tobe Hooper, but censors didn’t see the humor, banning the film in several countries after its release; the “based on a true story” conceit (not really true, but not altogether false) adds extra chills.

3. Godzilla

Why the 1998 remake sucked: we already saw Jurassic Park; Matthew Broderick is only believable as Ferris Bueller; no hilarious overdubbing.Why the 1954 original, and the scads of Japanese spin-offs that followed, were awesome: an allegory about the dangers nuclear science created in post-war Japan after the atomic obliteration of Hiroshima and Nagasaki — that’s damn-near poetic; features unintentionally hilarious overdubbing; Godzilla can totally kick Mothra’s ass/venom-sac.

2. Planet of the Apes

Why the 2001 remake sucked: Marky Mark without his Funky Bunch; Tim Burton’s all-too-predictable casting of Helena Bonham Carter; overdone CGI that lacks all the charm of the original monkey make-up. Note: the series attained some redemption with the 2011′s mostly awesome Rise of the Planet of the Apes.Why the 1968 original was awesome: talking monkeys; a gorgeous mute cave-woman wearing a skimpy animal hide; Chuck Heston desperately craving a gun in a wonderful dose of real-life foreshadowing.

1. Psycho

Why the 1998 version sucked: a shot-for-shot remake of the original, but with hokey gimmicks that add nothing but viewer rage. And in color, no less. Blasphemy!Why the 1960 original was awesome: an excruciatingly suspenseful masterpiece that exemplifies Hitchcock at the top of his game; Janet Leigh in the shower, booyah; violins shrieking “REE REE REE” is still the universal sound of abject terror.

10 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Sex

1. Genetics Can Affect When a Person Will Lose His or Her Virginity

Obviously, each person makes 

the individual decision of when to have sex for the first time, but recent studies show that your genetics can play a role in how early you make the decision. In fact, a study of twins who were separated at birth shows that there is a strong genetic link in the age a person chooses to lose his or her virginity.

"It's not like there's a gene for having sex at a certain date," says Nancy Segal, a psychologist at California State University in Fullerton, who led the new study. But inheritable traits such as impulsiveness do affect the decision, although social mores play a major role as well. In fact, there was less of a consistent genetic effect in twins born before 1948 than those born after 1960. 

2. The Clitoris is Mostly an Internal Organ

By now, most people know about the clitoris and where it is located…or at least, they know about the tip of the organ. While you might think that little bump that drives women crazy is the whole enchilada, as it turns out, that's just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the majority of the clitoris is located within the pelvis and, when erect, it actually wraps around the vagina –making the vagina and sex more pleasurable (for both parties) as the woman gets more excited.

So why does everyone think of the clitoris as only the little bump on the outside? Well, for one thing, it's role as the visible part certainly makes it the most noticeable, but more so, researchers didn't start to learn about the amazing expanses of the organ until they were able to view it through an MRI machine, something they couldn't do until the 90's. It wasn't until 2009 that the world was introduced to a complete 3D sonogram image of the organ.

Of course, the little bump we're all familiar with is pretty darn important. In fact, it has over 8,000 nerve fibers –more than twice the number found in the head of a penis.

3.  

Sperm is Surprisingly Nutritious

At around 15 calories per “serving,” sperm contains the same protein as the white of a large egg, along with vitamin C, calcium, magnesium, potassium, vitamin B12 and zinc. Sure, it might not be as healthy as a multi-vitamin, but few vitamins come with such pleasurable effects.

4. Sex Can Help You Stay Healthy

Having sex once or twice a week can actually boost your immune system, as it increases the levels of immunoglobulin A in the body. Immunoglobulin A is an antibody that lives in your saliva and mucous linings that helps stop colds and flu before they start, by fighting the viruses off before they get past your nose or mouth.

5. Having Sex Can Make Women Look More Attractive

When women have sex their estrogen levels double, making their hair shinier and skin softer. “Estrogen seems to be the fountain of youth for women,” says Patti Britton, PhD, clinical sexologist. 

Additionally, increased blood flow from an orgasm makes their cheeks more rosy and their lips redder –although, apparently, only in warmer temperatures. So if you ladies out there want a quick beauty treatment, consider heading to a steamy bedroom rather than the beauty salon. 

6. If You Are Sexually Active, You'll Probably Get an STD

Studies show over 80% of all sexually active adults will contract an STD at some point, although most won't notice. That's because 80% of all people who contract one of the 25 varieties of STDs don't show any symptoms and most don't even realize they have one. In fact, the American Social Health Association estimates that 80% of sexually active people contract the Human Papillomavirus (HPV) at one point in their life. While those statistics were taken before the HPV vaccine was released, the vaccine only prevents two of the most dangerous strains of the disease, meaning even those vaccinated can still catch one of the many other strains. 

While the numbers sound scary, the upside is that most people who contract an STD won't suffer any negative effects as a result. 

7. Birth Control Affects Women's Taste in Men

The pill may have done wonders for women's lib, but it turns out it might also be hurting their sex lives. A recent study has shown that women who are on the pill get with partners they find less attractive and worse in bed because these men offer better opportunities for a long-term relationship. While the women were less sexually satisfied, they were, on average, much happier with the non-sexual aspects of their relationships. Additionally, women on the pill stayed in relationships for an average of two years longer than those who were not on the medication.

Researchers believe this is because the pill affects the chemistry of a woman's brain, making them more interested in obtaining a long-term relationship than finding someone they would be more sexually compatible with.

8. Diet Can Affect the Flavor of Semen

Gentlemen, if you want your lady to be more orally fixated, you might want to consider switching your diet for her pleasure. As it turns out, sugary fruits like kiwi, watermelon and pineapple make semen taste lighter, while beer and coffee leave it with a strong, bitter flavor. Meat and fish can make it taste more buttery, while acidic fruits like cranberries, plums and liquors can give it a sugary flavor. Whatever you do, don't chug milk before hitting the hay as dairy can cause semen to taste foul due to its high bacterial levels. 

9. Female Sexuality is Still Largely a Mystery

There is, as yet, no scientific consensus on whether or not the G-Spot exists or if female ejaculation is real. Critics of the G-Spot largely focus their arguments on the fact that because so many women do not experience vaginal orgasms, that it must not exist. Additionally, they point out that there is no area inside the vagina with more nerve endings than any other area. They also use the discovery about the clitoris being internal to argue that vaginal orgasms are caused by the same organ, not a separate erogenous zone.

Proponents of the G-Spot argue that the vagina does have an erogenous zone that swells up when excited and that this area provides an additional lubricant when it is sexually aroused. They also show that ultrasound studies show changes to the area during sex.

The debate on female ejaculation is often tied in with the G-Spot argument as proponents argue that ejaculation is tied in with stimulation of the G-Spot. While it is widely accepted that some women have been known to gush fluid during orgasm, the debate largely centers around what the fluid is actually made of. Many critics claim the fluid is simply urine. Some proponents argue that it is a separate substance, while others debate that it is urine; but urine is filled with a unique selection of chemicals, making it qualify as a sexually-induced ejaculation regardless of the connection with the bladder.

10. Women's Sex Organs Are Now Being Studied More Often

There are a few main reasons that so little is known about female sexuality. For one, the clitoris, the G-Spot and female ejaculation, are all completely unrelated to reproduction and are instead all about pleasure (as a matter of fact, the clitoris is the only organ that exists solely for the purpose of pleasure), making many scientists believe they deserve less interest than the ovaries, vagina, penis or testicles. Of course, now that these sex organs are pretty well understood, scientists can feel free to move on to understanding the more complex role of non-reproductive sexual functions.

Another reason has to do with the times. You'll notice that the majority of the research on these aspects of female sex organs has been performed only within the last twenty years. In that time, two major changes have occurred –there are now far more women doctors and scientists than ever before, and technology has only now been afforded certain views of the human body. Naturally, females display more interest in what makes the female body go gaga, and without devices like the MRI, many discoveries, like that of the internal clitoris, would have been impossible to find.

Thanks to these changes, it's pretty likely that the understanding of female sexuality will increase drastically in the next few decades

Top 10 Video Game Weapons

Video games can stir many emotions in players, from the jubilation felt after defeating a final boss to the frustration of reaching a point that seems impossible to pass. Few feelings in gaming are better than the excitement that comes with getting to use some type of bad-ass weaponry to slay your foes. Whether it's a standard-issue piece of equipment available from the start, or a gun so large and powerful that it can clear an entire room with a single blast, these ten weapons are the best of the best.

10. AWP (Counter-Strike)

I will probably get some flak for this one, but love it or hate it the AWP is one of the craziest, most overpowered guns in gaming history. One shot from this massive sniper rifle to nearly any part of an exposed enemy was instant death, and combining this gun with a Desert Eagle sidearm made for a deadly soldier indeed. Although it was definitely taken advantage of by the folks who decided to run around using it as a shotgun, and even after being toned down to make the stopping power a bit more reasonable, the AWP will always be remembered as one of the greats in gaming weaponry.
9. Blades of Chaos (God of War Series)

Although this deadly weapon is a starting piece of equipment, it is no less impressive for it, and deserves to be here. Any hero can wallow through a group of enemies swinging a sword or axe to and fro, but it takes an absurd amount of coordination and dexterity to make swinging two blades connected by a chain look and feel as visceral as it does in God of War. Even if someone were to somehow sneak a gun into Kratos' world, they would have to stay at a significant distance to avoid the reach of the Blades. Whoever designed these things needs a medal, because they are sweet.
8. Lightsaber (any Star Wars game)

The lightsaber is not just one of the best video game weapons, but one of the best weapons period. Swinging this plasma blade into a group of baddies is awesome, plain and simple. It can slice through metal, it can deflect incoming blaster fire, and it makes one of the coolest sounds I have ever heard. Not all video game weapons would translate well into other games, but I would be happy to see the lightsaber as an option in every game. Just imagine running around like crazy in COD trying to knife people, except instead of a little knife you have a lightsaber! A side note: The beam katana from No More Heroes would be an acceptable substitution for the lightsaber at this spot on the list, but I'm a Star Wars guy, so the 'saber gets the nod.
7. RC-P90 (GoldenEye)

GoldenEye on the N64 will go down in history as one of the best multiplayer shooters of all time, even if it doesn't hold up as well now as it did in its heyday. Although there were many great weapons in the game (Moonraker laser, anyone?) and possibly one of the worst as well (KLOBB!), the RC-P90 was the ultimate in spy weaponry, and to this day remains one of the best. With its ungodly amount of ammo (80 rounds in a clip) and solid stopping power, all a player had to do was enter the room, pull the trigger, and spray away.
6. Fat Man (Fallout 3/Fallout: New Vegas)

Not much has to be said about this one. It is a shoulder-mounted launcher that shoots miniature nuclear warheads, and upon detonation wipes out nearly any nearby enemy, and produces a mini-mushroom cloud as a bonus. My only gripe about the Fat Man is that I didn't get to use it more often; ammo is very scarce, but nonetheless it has cemented its spot on the list. It shoots nukes!

 5. Red Turtle Shell (Mario Kart)

 The Red Shell might not be a traditional weapon in the gun or blade sense, but in Mario Kart it was as effective as the most powerful weapons in many other games. I can't count how many times I won (or lost) due to the power of the Shell. With its lock-on capabilities and being nearly impossible to avoid, it was easily the best pick-up in any Mario Kart race and in my opinion one of the best game armaments of all time.

4. Gravity Gun 

(Half Life 2)

The Gravity Gun is another non-traditional weapon in that it doesn't actually have any ammunition, but it kicks enough booty to land on the list. It has two functions: First, it can emit a blast of energy to push enemies back. And second, it can pull any object towards it to use as ammo. An explosive barrel becomes a makeshift grenade that you can propel towards an enemy, or perhaps you might choose a saw blade to hurl at the unsuspecting foe instead. The fact is that nearly anything in the environment instantly becomes a weapon when you have this gun equipped, making the player and Gordon Freeman a deadly hero indeed.

3. Pistol 

(Halo: Combat Evolved Series)

Any Halo veteran will be able to tell you stories about the infamous pistol from the original Halo. It was a hand-cannon that could function as both a close-quarters option and an impromptu sniper weapon. It could drop lesser enemies in a single shot, and even the larger and more powerful foes would succumb to three or four well-placed rounds. Add a zoom scope and you have one of the best guns in gaming, period. Unfortunately as the series continued, the pistol was changed and lost its stopping power, and although Bungie attempted to bring the beast back, it hasn't been the same. Ah, well, we will always have the good old days.

2. Spread Gun 

(Contra)

Back in the day when 'saved games' were not a possibility, completion of a little video game called Contra was determined by a few things: Whether or not you knew the Konami code, and how quickly you could grab (and then retain) the 'S' power-up. The Spread Gun was a bit overpowered, and if fired from the extreme left of the playfield could take out nearly any enemy, regardless of screen location (except for those tricky guys that started coming from behind you). Despite how easy it made killing the bad guys, it was necessary for success, as spamming the fire button with the Spread Gun was not only one of the coolest ways to dominate your foes but almost a requisite for beating the game without needing thirty lives.

1. BFG 9000 

(Doom)

I can't imagine anyone reading this being surprised to see this gun on the list, although some may question its spot at the top. Allow me to explain: There aren't a whole lot of weapons before this one (or after for that matter) that inspired such awe after firing for the first time as the 'Big Effing Gun,' and it has an awesome name. Yes, there are other weapons out there that are great at clearing out groups of enemies, but none that do it with as much style as the BFG. I still remember the first time I wielded this beast, and unleashed its green goodness into a room full of demons which were promptly decimated. Good times my friends, good times indeed.

There are a couple weapons that I think deserve an honorable mention: the Hammer of Dawn from the Gears of War series, and the Energy Sword from the Halo series. Both are bad-ass in their own right, but I felt were just shy of the top ten. If there are any that you think deserved a spot on the list and were left out, let us know in the comments below. Happy Hunting!